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Love of the Lost

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First Love is  hard for everybody,  its a new experience to give another person your heart so freely that you trust them totally .  You actually feel its its going to last for ever. But it doesn't, and if your lucky the experience is quick and painless and you go on to the next swaray with just a little bit more prepared.  That is inless your are a transsexual and its your first experience with a forbidden love, then the experience becomes that much more important to you.  It seems like you have finally come out of the dark and you are finally going to have just a little bit of the happiness you see those around you having.  Then it hits,  the reality of it all then the pain, more intense than any you've ever felt.

On June 21, 1964 James Chaney, Andrew Goodman and Michael Schwerner , civil rights workers taking part in Freedom Summer promoting awarness of the Black voter-registration campaign. They drove to the site of a burned church outside Philadelphia Mississippi to investigate the situation and express sympathy with the congregation. 37 black churches and 30 black homes and businesses were firebombed or burned during that summer . More than 1000 black and white volunteers were arrested, and at least 80 were beaten by white mobs or racist police . On the way back that afternoon they were arrested and held for several hours on alleged traffic violations. After they were released from jail they weren't seen again until their badly decomposed bodies were discovered six weeks later on August 4 , under a nearby dam . Goodman and Schwerner had died from single gunshot wounds to the chest, and Chaney from a savage beating. It was later determined that the civil rights workers had been murdered as a result of a conspiracy between elements of Neshoba County law enforcement and the Ku Klux Klan.

I was 8 years old that summer as my family made their way South from North Carolina to Mississippi. We went every year during the week of the Forth of July to vist my mothers family in Mississippi for our annual Vacation. This year we were going a few days eariler because my Grandmother Vernon had suddenly passed away due to a heart attack. My Grandparents Dairy Farm was located in the countryside outside of Brooksville which is a mear 45 minute drive to Philadelphis in Neshoba County, so I will never forget our car being stopped and searched a couple of times after we crossed over the Alabama - Mississippi line. They were looking for the missing activist , and after President Johnson sent in the FBI they were eger to find out what happened. It was indeed a sad summer with the loss of my dear grandmother and the constant discussion of the missing men. As a child I had no idea just how close all of this was to where we were, I assumed it was hundreds of miles away.


Fast Forward 10 years..............


When I was in my senior year in high school I became friends with a young boy who lived down the dirt road past our house..... We had moved to Mississippi for the 1973-74 school year. I had been having difficulty with my studies following my running away from home when I was 13 dressed as a girl, and my family hoped the move would give me a new start on life, so I was inrolled at Central Acdemy in Macon for my Senior year. Central Acdemy was an still is an all white school and Noxubee Counties answer to desegragation. I had to cut my hair off short and let my thinned eyebrows grow out and I promised my parents I would give my all to being the son they wanted me so badly to be. I honestly did my best that last school year, I even dated and became engaged. Or at least engaged to be engaged, we talked about getting married, or she talked about it non stop. I loved Alice but I was not in love with her, not the way it takes to be a husband to a wife. When we dated I could kiss her because I would close my eyes and imagine she was someone else. We held hands and were together all the time, and I loved treating her just like I wanted to be treated however when the realization came to me that I would eventually have to have sex with her and I just could not imagine that ever happening we broke up. Well I broke up and she went all to pieces, she had planned on a husband, well so did I, I just couldn't be one, I needed one. After we broke up I became friends with Jimmy. Jimmy was one of these boys who in school was a bully but on the inside he had a heart of gold, just as long as nobody else knew it. We started riding together to school and back, then he started coming in to watch TV with me in my room. This went on for months until one day he told me that he knew that I had run away from home dressed as a girl when I was 13 and was very interested in talking about my Transsexual Self. I shared with him all my hopes and dreams and he seemed to want to understand and accept me for who I was. Then he wanted to see me dressed as female. When I dressed up for him the first time he was amazed and told me how beautiful I was, this mad me happier than I had ever dreamed possible. After that first time he began coming over and hanging out most every evening and it started feeling like we were courting, even though we never touched it was that type of feeling for me. I was inexperienced with datting men so I had no idea what to expect. But I had broken a cardnial rule, I had fallen in love with another womans man, and that woman was my own cousin. Granted their relationship was always shakey, they broke up more than they stayed together but they were still considered a couple. I was there to listen to his side of the disputes and to give him sympathy, so how did I know I would fall helplessly in love with this boy. I began to make plans for us running away after graducation and some how getting my surgery then getting married and living happily ever after in our ivy covered cottage, and did I mention I was looking at all this with Rose Colored glasses? I was doomed for heart break from the start but I had to play out the game to the end. One day he said his parents were going out of town for the weekend, "Can I hang out at your house?" he said , I said "Sure", and I could hardly cover my excitment. I started making my plans for the weekend, what I would cook for us, what we would do, where we would go, and of course what I would wear when I dressed up for him, all sorts of stuff just like a date with a lover, but he was not my lover, he belonged to Shelia. Everything went as planned, we had a great evening together, we sat side by side on the sofa in my room watching tv, eatting pop corn and cutting up like sweethearts, or at least I thought. Of course he wanted me dressed female during this time and luckily my parents gave me the privacy . When we finally went to bed you could tell the tension was there between us, he began tossing and turing in bed, finally our faces were close to each other and he kissed me. We made out like crazy for what seemed like ages, then something was said between us, I don't remember what it was, possibly I said I love you, then I excused myself to go to the bathroom and while I was gone he got up out of bed, dressed and was driving out of the drive as I came back to my bedroom. Of course I cried myself to sleep that night, I had no idea what was going on, I was confused and a little scared. Hey I was living in Mississippi where the KKK was still going strong, I had no idea what to expect. The next morning I had a visit from my cousin, she and her sister came to tell me that Jimmy had come to them and told them he woke up and I was preforming oral sex on him, that he stopped me and left the house. I was in tears, because that was an out and out lie. Of course they didn't believe a thing I said and left in tears saying I was a queer who needed killing for molesting her boy friend. Oh God I was in a mess, I was heart broken, crying all the time, going out into the woods to be alone and cry for my loss of people I really cared about both Jimmy and Shelia. To get this all off my mind I went to spend some time with my cousin who lived in Columbus. Her name was Kathy and she and I had been close growing up but after her parents divorce she lived with her mother in Columbus Mississippi which was a River Town of some size, its where we all went to the movies, roller skating or to go bowling. One night Kathy and I were in a resturant when in came Jimmy and a bunch of his friends, all rough and tumble guys, they came over to the booth were we were sitting and began to push me around, telling me to come out side so they could kick my faggot ass. I could not believe this was the same guy who had in just a short time been my best friend. If Kathy had not threated to call the police I have no idea what would have happened to me, possibly buried some where in the country or tossed in the river to become gater bait. I was only 17 years old then that summer of 1974 but I was learning to grow up fast so when my parents forced me to move back to North Carolina that fall I was more or less happy for the chance to make another new start.

My parents had been prompted to take me back to North Carolina not because of my situation with Jimmy, as far as I know they never new about that.  What they did know what that I was up to my old tricks,  they had intersepted a letter from the Mississippi Gay Alliance who's President I had been talking to about leaving home to begin my transition into womanhood.  I had met her a couple of times after school that year and we had simply riden around town and talked about my problem.  She didn't know much about Transsexuality but did know where to make contact in New Orleans, so my plans were beginning to formulate for my move to New Orleans.  I was out of school and the law stated if I had employement I could move out of my parents house and I was only 6 months away from my 18th birthday anyway.  When they read the letter our house was propelled into World War 3,  my brothers were called in from North Carolina to get us ready to move back  and again all my female things were burned. I was being taken back in shame.

Fast Forward 2 1/2 years

Christmas of 1976 I drove my mother to Mississippi to spend Christmas with her family.  This time I was going as a female, even though I had not completed my SRS, I had been living as female sinse I was 18 and I already had my breast implants.  With my hair long, makeup, breast and female clothing everybody was amazed that I looked just like a girl.  Some family members were against my transition and would have nothing to do with me but most were very nice about my trip.  Shelia and her Sister invited me to visit them,  they were happy that I was doing so well with my life and they had a message from Jimmy.  He said to tell me he was going to come over while I was there and kick my ass.  I was so full of myself and confident I told them to tell him come come right on over because I was a woman now and if he touched me he would go to jail.  Actually looking back now I think that Mississippi Law would have seen me as a guy dressed as a girl as their are not much past that even now.  However he never  came to find me that year and I have never laid eyes on him again sinse that summer of 1974 even though I have thought about him through the years.  I heard he married someone and moved away finally having a family but have never seen or heard from him in all these years.  Perhaps he still wants to kick my ass but lets hope he would be ready to laugh at the whole thing. 

Fast Forward 30 years.........

I'm  back now living in Mississippi, in quiet Macon, in a turn of the century house once owned by a doctor. But today I am living here with my husband, who likes the slow pace of life here and the nice, polite way the neighbors treat him.  I'm glad he didn't have to know this place way back then.